she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
