I met the friendliest cop last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did we literally take a cab across the street
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
