his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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