Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
