Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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