nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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