every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
time to smoke my breakfast
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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