I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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