the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
