there's paper in my vomit.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
