Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
