who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
