just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
