textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
