Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
