: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize