I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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