I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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