I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
