: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
