my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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