I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
