Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
