Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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