the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
