so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
