it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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