Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
