My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
