Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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