You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
