I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
