i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
