I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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