I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I FOUND THE LEGS
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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