Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
