I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
