I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
