I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
