it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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