Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
