Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize