I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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