Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
