What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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