i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
