Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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