He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
