I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
