I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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