HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
