Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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