when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
