my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize