I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
