I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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