Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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